NAÏVE, STUPID OR JUST MISTAKEN?

I learned early in life that I was a lousy liar. Like everyone, I tried but I failed miserably. I knew some people who were adept and at times even envied them. I later learned that my apparent inadequacy was actually a blessing, not a curse.

I tend to give folks the benefit of the doubt (that’s what I expect from others), so I have at times been burned. This is the price I am willing to pay to be able to trust. I give my trust less freely than in the past, but I still err to the side of giving too much as opposed to too little. It is the way I choose to live my life. My intuition is very good but I can still be wrong - as I was recently while with another company.

A leader needs a healthy dose of cynicism, but paradoxically the leader must also trust, as it is a critical ingredient for success. Trust is risk. Faith is trust in the unknown. When they are misplaced, and we are betrayed, it is easy to take it personally and feel naïve, even stupid. The temptation may be to over-react and become suspicious of everyone’s motives - to the point of paranoia. What a mistake this is. Generally, upon reflection, we see the signs of betrayal that were ignored or rationalized away. It is a tough, painful lesson that is best analyzed objectively.

Sometimes we come across a real professional who is practiced and nuanced in their deceit. They prey upon on our good intentions and tendency toward wishful thinking (always a mistake). Their moral compass works about as well as a real compass does on the North Pole. They are the most dangerous. Even in retrospect the signs are hard to discern. To protect ourselves from these individuals we must rely upon our intuition and hope for the best. There is no guarantee that this will keep us from being betrayed but life is not without risk.

It is so disheartening to be betrayed. Anger, self-criticism, disgust, embarrassment, blame and so many more emotions erupt within us. The victims of Bernie Madoff, the big banks and the unfaithful spouse (there have been a few in the news lately) all understand this pain and anguish. They rightfully become bitter. I recently experienced this because I trusted a person I worked with because of their ability to look me in the eye and not waver. An unfortunate behavior they had learned all too well. I had witnessed this person be less than honest with others but dismissed it as their way of negotiating. It was more than this. Much more. It ran deep and was such a part of them that I really believe they struggled with right and wrong. Very sad.

My dilemma was how to feel after learning of the betrayal. Do I get even? Do I never trust again? Do I remain bitter? Do I simply move forward and learn from it?

I chose the latter. Revenge is generally non-value added and if we treat everyone like they will betray us, then we create more problems. An organization not built on trust is an organization doomed to fall. I know that I must trust others and realize that trusting means putting myself at risk. However, I believe in my intuitive skills and feel it is worth taking the chance. Fortunately, most of the people I have known in our industry are worthy of that trust. However, I also know that I must abide by the adage: “Idealism precedes experience; cynicism follows.”

My misplaced trust was a mistake. Looking back I am sure that if I had it to do over I would probably trust the person again. They were very good at their deceit. But in the end, the decision to no longer trust anyone was too high a price to pay because so many deserve my trust. Maybe I’m naïve, even stupid, but I believe trusting my intuition and others is a better way to live.